Why was I so hard to love?
As a child I was taught to be good, quiet, clean, respectful, never to be a burden, never to get in the way and to never put a foot out of place. Praise and love were only given when it was earned.
This lead to a belief system in my adult life that kept me in terrible romantic and work related relationships. I felt I always had to go the extra mile, always had to be spectacular, I could never be sick or ask for help. I could never appear weak or incapable.
I always gave everything I had in every area of my life and always found myself in a state of disappointment and sadness.
Why was I so hard to love? What was wrong with me that all people did was take and rarely give anything back? I tried so hard to please and still, I was only receiving praise and scraps of love when I turned myself inside out for those people.
While doing Healing Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) with the Tapas Acupressure technique® (TAT®) program I had a revelation. Through those false beliefs created as a child I had caused most of these situations. I was the one constantly rejecting help, I took it upon myself to be superwoman and I never asked for help. I was the one who wanted to “wow” these people. Many of them were impressed with me, but I never asked for anything. Not what I needed in romantic relationships, not what I needed at work, not even what I needed from my friends. I never spoke up for myself or asked for help.
Then I realized that I had been blaming a lot of people for taking advantage of me, using me or leaving me to suffer alone. It was time to look at my actions, my behavior and my perception of the world.
I had trouble with forgiveness at first. But as I truly began to forgive those who had wronged me, those who had stood by and did nothing when they could have helped me and those who said they loved and appreciated me but were never able to show it, that’s when my life began to stabilize.
I found forgiveness to be a relief. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. Holding on to the pain they had caused just kept me in pain. Letting it all go, every single wound, was an amazing first step. But forgiving myself was when life really started getting better.
I was able to let go of the beliefs I had created out of trying to survive, trying to be good, trying to not get in the way, trying not to be a burden, trying to not be a target, trying to keep myself small and quiet.
I was finding that life was enjoyable again.
I am so grateful that through my TAT work I had found the importance of being present and how wonderful it felt. I had finally forgiven myself and it felt amazing, but when my focus shifted to simply loving and accepting myself for who I am right now, life really began to change.
I didn’t need to “wow” anyone, I didn’t need to prove my worth, I didn’t need to go the extra mile and I didn’t need to earn love. I had survived, I am strong, intelligent, kind, beautiful and free. Free from the voices and the people and the places in my mind that always told me I wasn’t good enough.
I knew there was more TAT to do and more things to create and aspire to, but I loved me again. I am filled with a happiness I have never known and can’t wait to explore it. Where will this new love and happiness take me? I don’t know, but I’m so excited to continue the journey.
Thank you Tapas for the amazing, life changing, gift of TAT!
- Terri C.